“The simplest acts of kindness are by far more powerful than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.”
(Mohandas K. Gandhi, ‘Mahatma’)
Imagine a small leak in the roof of a house. Drip, drip, drip... Over months, perhaps years, a few drops of harmless rain water collect to form a great pool of many gallons, gradually filling the loft to flood stage, rotting away the supporting joists, straining the floor boards to breaking point. The problem is recognized and acknowledged only when the ceiling caves in and the living room is destroyed. The house owner asks himself, as he goes over the wreckage and begins to assess the damage: ‘How could I not have noticed that? How could I let a terrible thing like this happen, and be so blind to it?’
Imagine that this small leak in the roof is the drip, drip, drip of emotional abuse, the most subtle of cruelties. Emotional abuse begins insidiously, often gradually. The effects, which can last a lifetime, may not become apparent for months, perhaps decades, until a crisis ensues. If and when the victim recognizes what has been happening all along, he or she is likely to ask, ‘How could I have let this happen? Why didn’t I stop it before it went this far?’
Persons who are the victims, or indeed the perpetrators, of emotional abuse, often do not recognize the abuse for what it is.
There is no widely-agreed, concrete definition for emotional abuse. People offend each other every day with harsh words, wrong deeds and awkward comments. In healthy circumstances, apologies are made, restitution offered, and forgiveness obtained. It is, rather, chronic patterns of abusive behaviour, and the acceptance of abusive behaviour as normal, that create emotionally abusive environments.
How does abusive behaviour go unnoticed? Why does it ever become acceptable?
Take, for example, a little child who grows up in an emotionally abusive environment . Such a child will form a distorted view of love and relationships. He (or she) will not understand normal kindness, forgiveness and tolerance. He or she will grow up to believe that abusive adults are normal, and that their hostility, threats, control tactics and manipulations are acceptable. The child’s personality and behaviour will develop accordingly. Such a child is likely to go through life unwittingly seeking abusive relationships, as either victim or perpetrator, wondering why things never seem to work out. Such a person will continually ask, ‘Why am I always so unhappy? Why do all my relationships go wrong? ‘
Contrast this with the child who is raised in an emotionally supportive home. He (or she) learns to love and respect both self and others. He or she learns forgiveness, tolerance, self-discipline, compassion and flexibility. When this child grows up, he or she will look for, and almost certainly find, relationships with those who are loving and kind, and reject those who behave abusively.
Try this little quiz to help you determine whether you might be the victim of emotional abuse. Before you begin, it is important to understand that both men and women can be the victims, and the perpetrators, of emotional abuse.
The quiz can be found on its original page here:
Do you:
Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
Feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
Humiliate or yell at you?
Criticize you and put you down?
Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
Blame you for their own abusive behavior?
See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Act excessively jealous and possessive?
Control where you go or what you do?
Keep you from seeing your friends or family?
Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
Constantly check up on you?
Now try switching the headings ‘Do you’ and ‘Does your partner’. Could you be the abuser?
Answering ‘yes’ to any of these questions, with the headings in either position, is reason to suspect you are involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. The more you answer ‘yes’, the worse the situation is likely to be.
If you think you might be a victim of emotional abuse, you can heal and learn to seek happier relationships.
If you suspect you might be the abuser, consider learning a new way to live.
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